Parenting
is an art. There are no manuals to give us all the answers.
Sometimes we learn through trial and error. The key for
parents is to not continue doing the same things repeatedly
that don't work. Try a different approach. Remember that
mistakes are a necessary function of change. The goal of
parenting is to help your children develop a sense of
autonomy. Teaching them to be self-directed and responsible
means that one must learn not to underfunction or overfunction
as a parent. Underfunctioning or being an "absent
parent" leaves a child feeling alone without support. The
lack of encouragement, nurturing, and affirmation can have a
detrimental impact on a child's current behavior.
Many
parents overfunction in the process of parenting. They get
overly involved in every aspect of their child's life. They
vicariously live their lives through their children. I always
tell my parents, "Never do for a child what he can do for
himself." Children learn to manipulate overfunctioning
parents to get what they want. Since overfuntioning parents
fear the disapproval of their children, they cater and give in
to their wants and needs even if they are unreasonable
requests. Fritz Perls, Gestalt therapist used to remark,
"Kids need to be appropriately frustrated." What he
meant was that overparenting creates an environment whereby
children do not learn the skills necessary for
self-regulation. Sometimes we need to let our kids figure
things out without interference.
Parents
often tend to parent the way they were disciplined. This may
involve some archaic notions about parenting that no longer
work in today's world with children. For parents, this may
mean giving up the image of parenting that was established
during their childhood. Sometimes a parent will swallow the
image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that
perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids
involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. As parents
we need to get in touch with the kid within us. We need to
remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our
childhood wasn't fun, then we need to grieve it and vow to
make things different for our own children. If our "inner
parent" is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic
expectations for our children. The inner critic is full or
moral injunctions and is the judge and jury of our behavior.
Parents need to get in touch with the critic, understand its
contents and then detach from the oughts, musts and shoulds.
Parents will want to rationally respond to the inner critic
with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This
process will assist in clearing up the "muddy water"
when it comes to coaching and advising our children.
In
parenting, using positive reinforcement when your child gets
things right, or using encouragement helps promote
involvement. Maintaining consistent consequences, both
positive and negative, are more effective than trying to
coerce your child to do something for you. Asking kids to make
value judgments about choices they make is more effective than
moralizing or pontificating about the right way to do things.
If a child brings home a poor grade from school, resist the
urge to lecture on the value of education. Ask your child,
"Is what you're doing in this class good enough for you?
How do you feel about this evaluation from the teacher?"
Do not accept excuses, such as I hate this teacher, or I
forgot to do some assignments. State your disappointment in
what has happened and ask your child what he plans on doing to
improve the matter. Box him in by making him accountable for
coming up with a reasonable plan for improvement. Get it in
writing if you wish, or with a handshake, but get a commitment
for improved behavior. Never let your child off the hook. Make
your child explain how he will change things for the better.
Be calm, somewhat detached and persistent. Remember, parenting
is an art.
James
P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer for
familyresource.com, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist.
Sample chapters of his book, STEPPING OUT OF THE BUBBLE can
found at booklocker.com/pdf/2242s.pdf.
He can be reached at krehbielcounseling.com.
.jpg)
.
E-Mail this Article 
